Princesses

I was watching a local news magazine last night and there was a piece about the Disney Princesses line of products.  Everything from dolls to clothes to room decor.  The marketing director/creator or whatever of the line asked his team to envision a little girl's room and think of anything that could be "princessified."  The answer was everything.  So they did and they are making millions.  I'm not a big fan of character clothing and decor but dolls and dress up clothes are fantastic in my book.  Imagine away, Abby!  Or, if you prefer, be a firefighter or an alien... whatever.  That's what imaginations are for, right?  To dream impossible dreams and set impossible goals, to pretend and let your mind grow and be everything and anything you can IMAGINE.  So, of course, they have to cut to an "expert" who says how impractical these kinds of toys are and how they set impossible ideals that little girls can never live up to and make them think that they need a Prince Charming to make their lives complete.  You know what I say to this (these) expert(s)?  Suck it.  Maybe if little girls and boys were still aloud to play and pretend and set impossible goals while they are children they might be happier adults.  Everyone is so busy "prepping" our kids to grow up they don't get a chance to be small anymore.  Maybe if we let them have time to use that imagination to discover what it is they really love doing we'd have fewer people graduating from college with a degree they have no real interest in and getting stuck in a career they loathe.  I don't want Abby deciding at 18 years old what she wants to do for the rest of her life.  Maybe we'd have more kids deciding to go to college in the first place because they were able to imagine it as a possibility to learn not just a career path.  Maybe we would have more successful marriages if we didn't tell little girls they had to do everything on their own.  I'm all for equality between the sexes but I'm also for letting my daughter know that life is better with a partner... and I don't care if it's a prince or another princess.

Little Susie Homemaker... Not So Much

Little Susie Homemaker is the perfect wife, mother, housekeeper all in one.  Someone who not only has a perfectly happy family but is able to keep the house clean, the laundry done and dinner on the table every night.  I don't know where she came from or who she is, but I'm pretty sure she's a fraud.  The idea of being able to keep a perfect house and happy family all the time is impossible.  If your home is perfectly clean all the time then something or someone in your life is lacking the attention they need from you.  Maybe I'm just making excuses for myself and my dirty house but I'm just happy that I'm finally caught up on the laundry this week.  I'm letting go of any guilt I may have previously put on myself for not being the perfect housewife.  I think all of us mom's should find our own level of "perfection" and be happy with it.  I'm going to redefine what the perfect housewife is for myself: a happy family and a house that doesn't look like a hoarder lives there is more than good enough for me. 

What a big girl!

My baby girl turns 1 year old tomorrow but, for purposes of this blog, tomorrow marks 1 year as a mother for me.  It has certainly been the most challenging year of my life.  What have I learned? 

I need to be more understanding of Abby so that I am not impatient with her.  While she communicates incredibly well for her age she is still a baby and cannot tell me everything she wants or needs and she is at least as frustrated as I am.  I have to be prepared for every possible outcome because she surprises me all the time (usually in a positive way).  Distance does indeed make the heart grow fonder.  I have to take time away from her so I can appreciate the time I have with her.  I am strong.  At first I doubted my strength but as a very good friend told me, a lesser person would not have made it through those first months.  Housework can wait, period.  It's ok to sleep with the monitor off.  I'm a much better Mama the next day if I get as much sleep as possible the night before.  It's my job to challenge and teach her.  If she never experiences anything or anyone new she won't learn.  I have to be aware of my own limits.  Pushing myself too far only makes for a negative vibe in the whole house.  I need to make more time for my husband.  No more internet after she goes to bed at night.  That needs to be Mama and Daddy time, even if we're just folding laundry together.  I don't have to solve all the problems.  She's got quite the temper when she's frustrated or tired and sometimes I have to walk away and let her sort herself out.  Pediatric society recommenations are just that, recommendations.  They aren't rules and I can only follow the ones that work for our family with our real life.

That list could continue for a very long time.  What it boils down to is I think I've turned out to be a good mom but there will always be room for growth. 

Happy Birthday, Boo Boo!

It's not time to get up yet

Abby wakes up early.  No matter what time she goes to bed the night before she still wakes up around 5ish in the morning.  That is too early.  So far what we've been doing is going into her room, giving her a bottle and rocking her when she goes back to sleep until about 6:30.  This week it was clear that was going to work anymore.  She's just getting too big to be comfortable while we hold her and putting back in the crib wasn't doing any of us any good... she would just scream. 

So, this morning when she woke up at 4:58 I let her cry.  She wasn't screaming so it wasn't unbearable to listen to but she didn't give up easily.  After about 10 minutes my husband asked if I wanted him to go get her - NO.  She cried and whined for a little over 20 minutes before she went back to sleep, but she did go back to sleep and for another hour.

My hope is that she will "catch on" that I'm not coming in to get her that early any more and she'll start putting herself back to sleep until later every morning. 

Fingers crossed!

Physical Contact Overload

We all need physical contact with other people to have any chance at being normal.  Babies need it just to survive. I have no shortage of physical contact during the day.  In fact, I'm pretty sure I get more than enough.  If there were a way to harness it and share it with others who don't get enough I would have more than enough to go around. 

Don't get me wrong.  I LOVE that Abby needs me and wants me to hold her and cuddle her but by the end of the day not only do I not need to be touched I pretty much don't want to be touched once I put her to bed.  I feel overstimulated and in need of sensory deprivation.  It makes it hard for me to fall asleep.

This all became clear to me last night when Randy rolled over to put his arm around me and I had to fight the urge to jump out of bed.  We used to cuddle ourselves to sleep almost every night and now I wish I had the king size bed to myself most of the time. 

I LOVE that Randy is very affectionate.  He's always been full of hugs, butt grabs, kisses, hand holding, etc.  I'm pretty sure once he leaves the house the only physical contact he gets is the occasional hand shake or accidentally bumping into a coworker in the hallway.  When he gets home he plays with Abby and wrestles with her until it's time to chill out before and then I'm pretty sure he wouldn't mind a little contact with his wife.

I know that if I got some exercise before bed I would get a little release and I'd feel better.  I just have to force myself to do it.  I suppose all the other benefits of exercise wouldn't hurt either.  If that doesn't work I'm not sure what to do about this feeling.  I don't like it but I guess it's just part of the "gig" for now.

Holy moly! We have a routine!

That's right... a routine!  A regular routine every day.  Is it exactly the same every day?  No.  Is it pretty darn close?  Yes!  Abby wakes up between 5:00 and 6:00 in the morning.  I give her a bottle while rocking in the glider in her room.  She drinks most of it, pushes it away and cuddles up to go back to sleep.  Around 6:30 Randy comes in to "relieve" me and I go take a shower.  Breakfast is between 7:30 and 8:00 and then a bath.  She goes down for her first nap between 9:00 and 10:00.  After nap is a snack and lunch is at 12:00.  Second nap happens between 2:00 and 3:00.  After nap is a snack and dinner for her is at 5:00 or 5:30.  Bedtime is between 7:00 and 8:00.  Playtime and reading in between everything.  If we go anywhere it's between naps, except for waterbabies; that's at 5:30 every Monday and Wednesday.

She only naps about one hour at a time.  Sometimes more, sometimes a little less.  Her morning nap I use to get dressed, put makeup on, fix my hair, check my email and tidy the house.  Second nap depends on the day.  If it's been a good day I'll prep dinner, do laundry... something productive.  If it's been a tiring day I might just take a nap or stare blankly at "Grey's Anatomy" on Lifetime.

Why did it take almost 10 months to do this?  I'm pretty sure it's my fault.  I wasn't strong enough to let her cry through whatever she needed to work out and so what I saw as her fighting a routine I now think was probably her begging for one.  At any rate, we're here now and it's fantastic.

Two front teeth... almost

Abby has 3 teeth.  She is currently working on her 2 front teeth.  It's been awful this week... and it's only Tuesday.  Tylenol doesn't seem to be helping.  She wants me to hold her all day but she wants to play, too, and it doesn't make for a very fun day.  Getting her out of the house for a couple of hours a day seems to help for a while but I think we're in for a long week.  I wish there was more I could do for her.  She's just not herself.  Her sweet, funny, silly, self... I haven't seen much of that Abby this week.  I think I will resort to some orajel and a washcloth tomorrow to try to help them break through.  My poor baby.  As an adult you don't think about how something a small as getting your first set of teeth can be so painful and unnerving for a baby.  She doesn't understand why it hurts.  She doesn't know how to make it stop.  She looks at me like I should know.  She always looks at me like I should know how to fix everything.  Can't a hug and a kiss be enough?

Oh Mr. Sun, Sun Mr. Golden Sun!

We went outside today.  OUTSIDE!  Walked to the grocery store before lunch and had some "sidewalk" practice for Abby before her afternoon nap.  I didn't realize until today how much I missed going outside with her.  We've only had one other day of playing outside since late October.  Abby LOVES being outside and I'm hoping that will be something that stays with her.  I'd love to spend all day outside during the Summer.

I'm loving the stage she's in right now.  She's just hilarious.  Silly, crazy smart, toddling all over the place.  But I'm still looking forward to her getting older.  I can't wait to color, make crafts, bake cookies, play dress up.  Hoping she'll like to garden with me... maybe I'll be able to get her to pull weeds for me!

What I'm really hoping for is that her love of being outside and her apparent coordination might actually translate into her being a little athlete.  I would love to go watch soccer games, softball games, any games!

I guess what I really can't wait for is to meet the person she will be.

Genetic Testing

During a routine ultrasound at about 30 weeks gestation the tech saw a "blip" on Abby's heart.  We went to Providence in Everett where the blip turned into a mass.  We went to Children's in Seattle and the mass turned into a rhabdomyoma which could have been just an extra bit of muscle and fat or could be caused by something called Tuberous Sclerosis Complex (TSC). 

TSC causes random tumors to occur in all areas of the body: brain, kidneys, eyes, skin.  The brain and kidneys are the most common areas where tumors caused by TSC will create the most problems.  There is a wide range of severity in cases of TSC from those that are so mild they are never diagnosed to brain tumors that can cause retardation and kidney tumors that can take over and cease kidney function.

When she was 5 weeks old we took Abby back to Children's for an echocardiogram and she was just fine.  At 6 weeks old we went back to have ultrasounds of her brain and kidneys and they were both clear.  Back to Children's again at 7 months and her heart was still fine.

Abby has a "bump" on the inside of her right elbow that has been there since birth and a "bump" at the top of her right cheek just under her eye and a "bump" on her left heel.  So, I'm starting to wonder if we should get the genetic testing done that will tell us for sure whether or not she has TSC just in case anything happens in the future and we should have this knowledge already on hand.

I did my hair!

Abby doesn't like to sleep.  Or, rather, she doesn't like to sleep alone.  She likes to be held for naps during the day and I'm fairly certain she only tolerates sleeping alone at night.  However, this week she has been taking her naps in her crib twice a day, every day and I think this time it's going to stick!  Minimal crying and averaging one hour at a time.  Not perfect, but it's been absolutely life changing for me.  I used to feel selfish for wanting a break from her during the day but, this week my house is tidy (not perfectly clean but I wouldn't be embarrassed is someone stopped by) my laundry is caught up and I did my hair!!! I did my hair for the second day in a row!  It's amazing how these simple things can make me so happy and make me realize how much I took for granted before having Abby.  I feel normal this week for the first time in, oh about nine and half months!

Who thought this was a good idea?

That's how I felt for quite a while about me being a mom.  From the moment I saw the positive test until she was probably about 6 months old; sometimes I still do.  I always thought that I knew I wanted to be a mom but I had a reaction I didn't expect when I peed on the stick and the little window said "Pregnant."  What right did I have thinking I had what it would take to be someone's mother?  But, as of today I have a 9 month old baby girl named Abby and the best thing I've ever heard is her little voice calling me "Mama."